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After a cushy, yet a little bit exhausting Christmas break staying with my girlfriend's parents, we are returning home to London. I've been looking forwards to getting home and finding comfort in our flat. Before leaving, I was struck with some insomnia for the last 2-3 days. I blame caffeine and coffee, but something about it happening inexplicibly before the travels had me wondering of the subconcious part of myself. Don't get me wrong, I want to get back home as soon as possible, but I found the comfort of doing absolutely 'nothing' amazing. It's like my body was screaming and yearning for this moment. I have a terrible habit of pushing myself too far each and every time. I think my body needed this much deserved rest, but the escape to a village in the middle of nowhere isn't reliable. Learning better skills to adapt to stress is always a challenge. I make a mountain out of a anthill every single time but once I resolve the problem, I never give myself the compassion I deserve before fretting over another thing.

I'm not ready to get back to my flat. The 'stress-free life' is hard to find and what it could even entail. Does that mean returning to America to avoid all these hardships? I'm not doing that; I love my life, my girlfriend and the things we've done together and shape the life we have now. We've both come far and to abandon it would be a disgrace not to just myself, but to her and even my family. So why do I write all of this other than being a bit of a word vomit? I guess for myself to reflect on what I have and what's been weighing me down as of late. As always, I have so much baggage I have to sort through. This year will be the year to challenge some of those things.

"Comparison is the Thief of Joy"

I sit in a cabin, next to my girlfriend, wondering of where I'd like to lead me life in the upcoming year. I had a rough December. I had some time to reflect and recover from the stress and anxieties of life, but this cannot continue. I want to engage the world in a healthier manner. I've struggled a lot, especially with comparing myself to so many of my peers and people online. This website was indirectly difficult for me as I carve out a piece of the internet for myself while balancing the self-inadequicies I have in my own ability. I need to accept that I don't need to be good at things and it's fine to be bad. But I never can take that as an answer. I want to be good at everything I do, all the time. I have the persistance, but never the self-care for myself when I eventually fail. - c.